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  • Writer's pictureKatie Beucus

On Mother’s Day

I’ve tried writing about Mother’s Day so many times, but by the end of the day my brain is just very tired this week. One kid who we thought had strep throat actually has hand, foot and mouth. It would explain why they’ve been sweat sleeping in my bed while breathing in my face for three nights. I don’t stand a chance do I?

It’s also probably part of why I misplaced Aaron’s final wages this week. I distinctly remember as I was putting the check away saying to myself, wow this is a good spot, it fits perfectly here. And then I’ve spent the last four evenings looking for it only to find it just where I thought I put it, only in a different pocket. I even dug through the nasty trash thinking maybe I somehow threw the check away :/

Anyway, Sunday was Mother’s Day, and I had two things on my mind. The first was ensuring my kids felt like whatever they had been scheming all week would be received as the best Mother’s Day ever. This was not hard because I have two really awesome kids with giant hearts who brought me breakfast in bed and cards and gifts they made at school and they tried very hard to get along the whole day.

Evan in particular was feeling a lot of pressure to make sure I was celebrated, and I hate that. When Aaron died I made it very clear that Evan was not the man of our house. He is an 8 year old boy who watched his father slowly die over the course of a year, and then suddenly in a single day. He left for school hugging and kissing his Dad, hearing him shout, “have a good day bud!” from bed as he ran out the door only to arrive home to his Dad permanently asleep. He has the right to grieve in his own way, on his own time, just like everyone else and I am a grown adult. My happiness, health and safety are not his responsibility. I feel fiercely protective of him in that regard.

The second thing on my mind was how odd it felt to celebrate being a Mom when the other half to that equation is no longer here. Everyone is always posting photos with their kids on Mother’s Day with some version of, “love these kids who made me a mom!” or something like that and look, I’m calling myself out here too, I know I have done it and if I didn’t have a dead husband I probably would still be doing it.

But we’re all adults (I hope. If not your adults have some explaining to do) We know how babies are made. It’s either sex or science and both of those options require a male and female gamete. Sorry family, I tried to be less direct here but it’s not not true.

And our journey to parenthood wasn’t straightforward. We dealt with secondary infertility, we lost Ellie, my pregnancy with Haddie was high risk. I suffered from debilitating postpartum depression after Evan was born and anxiety with Haddie who was chronically sick the first three years of her life. We worked hard to become parents and it took both of us to make me a Mom in the biological and emotional sense.

And now it’s just me left and our kids are still so little and my role in their life feels bigger than ever. Yet somehow Mother’s Day felt mostly like any other day in this new life and I thought it would make me feel particularly sad but in reality I felt perfectly ok with that. Aaron fought so hard to do exactly what I still get the gift of doing everyday, and that’s not lost on me, even on a day we’re told is supposed to feel different than the rest 💛

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It has been 332 days since Aaron turned his head ever so slightly toward me, in the dead of night, as I watched his final breath escape his mouth along with the word “love”.  It’s incredible how clear

2 Kommentare

Kelly Thompson
Kelly Thompson
22. Mai 2023

You are doing the best you can Katie and you are a wonderful mom. Keep doing what you’re doing.

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19. Mai 2023

You are doing an absolutely amazing job Katie, and don for one second stop believing that. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

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