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  • Writer's pictureKatie Beucus

On Growth

One of Aaron’s Division Chiefs came to watch Evan play baseball a few weeks ago and commented on how much the kids have grown since Aaron’s service.

I think back on that day and in my memory, they are just babies. Evan kept nervously rubbing the podium, and I was so afraid he was going to knock the whole thing over. And Haddie kept sticking her hand up the slit of my dress to rub my leg. She probably gave everyone standing to the right a show 😳 When I asked her about it she matter of factly said it was because my skin was as soft as blanket bunny.

Then my mind and memory shift. Just before Evan's 7th birthday, cancer slowly started taking his Dad. We had no idea. First it was the bike rides, and then it was being carried to bed. Next he couldn’t play catch or help with baths or lay in bed to read books and fall asleep. And Evan became serious and anxious.

But this last week I’ve seen glimpses of that silly little boy again. The one who used to talk enthusiastically about “Cornados” and skid steers. The one who makes me spontaneously laugh in the kitchen when we’re cooking and listening to music and the beat hits just right and he starts moving his gangly limbs and laughing at himself.

And Haddie. Just after she turned 4, cancer started to take her Dad too. And she started crying everyday. And yelling. And she was suddenly more clingy than Velcro.

But she’s also coming back. From the day she was born we have always said she is pure joy. She’d wake up bouncing out of bed, always with a smile and with an imagination that would take us on the most wild adventures. Now she sleeps in like a teenager and tries to dress like one too, but when she wakes she calls for me in that tiny voice. And when I enter her room she greets me with a sleepy smile and the biggest hug. And her laugh, her infectious and uncontrollable giggle is back.

And so it's true. The kids have grown. In height. And lost teeth. And renewed joy.

I know their emotions will ebb and flow as they revisit their grief at each developmental age. And as a parent I know there will be times I have to let them struggle through even when it feels like the least intuitive thing of all. But after almost 18 months of agony, I feel like their fog is lifting too. We all are starting to feel the warmth of the sun again and my sweet kids get to be kids.

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1 Comment

Jun 23, 2023

Joy, pure joy. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

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